This is one of my favorite videos.
Over the years, I have had many opportunities to be brought down to the depths of humility. I’m so grateful for the lessons that have come as a result of much painful trimming of my lofty heights.
When I was about 15 years old, I had the opportunity to go to a training that I was sure was going to give me all the answers and much happiness. Instead, I was humbled very quickly. In the training, one of the processes we went through was to perform something in front of the group. There were probably 80-100 participants, and I was super excited to show my stuff. For many people, this was a HUGE stretch, but not for me. I couldn’t wait for my turn! When my turn finally came, I walked out in front of all those people and started singing. I was super confident. However, shortly after I started, the facilitator stopped me. He asked if I had felt myself shift from confidence to ego. In front of all those people! I was horrified!!! I simply answered yes, but inside I really wasn’t sure what he was talking about.
Before I got married, I had a fairy tale picture in mind. I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew I was going to have that perfect picture. After getting married, I quickly was handed a huge piece of humble pie. Married life was hard! The perfect picture was shattered by the realization that it wasn’t that easy. However, between years one and two of marriage, I had a very telling experience. I was at a church meeting with my husband and new little baby and I was feeling so good. In that moment I felt that we had attained this perfect picture family and I was gloating about it in my mind. All at once, I felt the spirit withdraw and I came to understand in that moment that I had many things still to learn.
Early in our marriage, my husband was a concrete contractor. After a few years in business, there was a huge concrete shortage and he went from pouring twice a day to twice a week, if he was lucky. His business was no longer sustainable and we lost everything. Our home, our cars, our worldly possessions and we got to move to my sister’s basement with our 3 kids. Instead of being grateful that we were taken care of, I was angry. I started nit picking my husband in my mind. We had nothing and it was his fault. I couldn’t purchase anything I thought I needed and wanted and the more I watched him, the angrier I became. I became depressed. I was homeschooling my kids at the time and I stopped doing anything. One day, I finally decided to humble myself. As I was praying, I received the message very strongly that it was time to stop worrying about what my husband was doing and start focusing on me and what I was doing. I needed to repent and work on me. I was the problem!
Just as I pictured a perfect marriage, I also assumed I would be the perfect mother. Oh boy, have I been humbled time and time again. In the beginning of motherhood, I subconsciously thought the only way to have perfect children would be to control them and I did try. However, I have learned more and more to train, teach and let go and allow them to practice over and over. Most of all to give them to God and just love them. They are His children and He loves them even more than I do.
For the last several years, I have really been focusing on healing. I have overcome some major things through learning to acknowledge thoughts, beliefs, and emotions and replace them with truth and love. There have been many times through this healing journey where I have assumed I made it! I am done healing! Only to discover shortly that I still have a long way to go and much to learn. I feel like God is teaching me patience and how to love myself in the journey. We are here to learn to govern ourselves and it is a process. I love my process, and I’m so grateful that I get to learn the lessons I’m learning and be on this journey with so many amazing souls like all of you! I am grateful for the atonement and for the awareness of how it works for me in my life. I know that ALL healing is through Christ.
I have realized through each of these experiences that I was feeling shame and humiliation about myself which kept myself from learning. When I finally stepped into humility, I was able to let go of humiliation and allow the lessons to emerge. Are you learning lessons through your experiences? Are you allowing humility instead of humiliation? As I share these experiences I am realizing that I am releasing more layers of shame by simply sharing and owning these things. I am still lovable even though I experienced these things. I am forgivable!