I have known for awhile that I was going to do a post about sex, and in all honesty it has been difficult for me to go there. Partly because I am going to share experiences that are raw and vulnerable for me, but mostly because I love the sacred nature of intimacy so much that I desire this post to be pure and unexploitable. I pray that my words are filled with truth and healing.
I grew up in a home where sexual intimacy was both celebrated and conflicting. My parents had 11 children, and I always felt secure in their love for each other. We had a strong spiritual and religious foundation of the sanctity of sex within marriage that could be felt but wasn’t discussed. I just knew with my whole being that my parents were true to each other and to their family. While my parents held that beautiful space for me and I learned about it in church, there was major conflict inside of me about sex. There were undercurrents of sexual exploitation in my family and all around me. I experienced sexual molestation as a child and through my teen years, and I couldn’t seem to get away from the shame and secrecy of it. It all came to a head for me when I met and married my amazing husband. We were both entrenched in the shame of sex and brought that shame into our marriage and our sexuality.
When I think of all of the years with my husband, (20 in October) my heart leaps for joy at what we have overcome together and are still overcoming. We truly had so much stacked against us, and yet we continue to come back to each other and choose our budding relationship. It has not been easy and I have felt that in talking about it, someone else can be helped. Is that you?
In the beginning I can honestly say that sex became a dreadful thing to me. I felt it was my duty to fulfill my husband even though I was completely empty. Sex was a physical thing, no more. At times, I could feel a deeper connection, but because of my past I had numbed myself to love, believing it didn’t exist for me. I hated sex and wanted nothing to do with it but I would force myself to engage out of fear of losing my husband and a belief that I wasn’t lovable and I shouldn’t punish my husband. At times, I did use my sexuality as a punishment, withholding because it gave me a reason to escape. Many times, I cried through it and afterwards sobbed from the depths of my soul. This perpetuated the shame cycle for my dear husband, who deep down wanted nothing more than to share his love with me. It really was a hot mess for a long, long time.
I realize now that one thing that kept me holding on was the beautiful but imperfect example from my amazing parents. I knew there was something better. I knew sex and love could be beautiful, but I had no idea how to get there. The seed was buried deep for me, covered up by lies, doubt and fear.
I now feel that we have touched the beauty of intimacy. We are scratching the surface, but I have had many glimpses and experiences of the sacredness that my husband and I hold in this beautiful God-given act. Sexual intimacy is truly meant to join two people; heart, mind, and soul. It is when we take it internally and truly connect at a spiritual, not just physical level that nourishment is attained for both partners. So how do we do that? Looking back, I am noticing the pattern of healing that is occuring. Here are 5 steps in the pattern and some possible action steps, depending on where you are in your healing.
I. Tune into the true source of love. It is not my husband’s job to fill me. I am meant to have a personal relationship with my Creator. When my husband and I are both filled from the true source, our intimacy becomes a partnership of creation with our Creator. We are both coming from a place of being filled and that love naturally pours out to each other.
POSSIBLE ACTION STEP: Ask God to show you who you are and how he sees you. Ask him to help you feel His love for you.
II. Weed out the lies and shame. There is much of sexual exploitation all around. It becomes confusing for all of us. The truth is, sex is beautiful, fulfilling, and God-given. It is a way to connect and celebrate each other and our love. It is creation in it’s raw form. It is meant to encompass all layers of our being. Spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental.
POSSIBLE ACTION STEP: Read this book to assist you in discovering the lies that are hanging out in your bedroom.
III. Declare what you desire in your relationship and sexual intimacy. It is difficult to tune in to what we truly desire when we are full of limiting beliefs and lies. Once we begin the weeding out process, we create space to really see the truth. When we begin to see the truth, we can then create it! There is much power in the written and spoken word. It is truly the seed of creation.
POSSIBLE ACTION STEP: Create your ideal relationship and intimacy. Write it all down. Include all the senses. What does it look like? What are you experiencing? How do you feel? Write in detail and visualize it on a regular basis. Speak it out loud. Hold space for the creation of it. Believe it is on it’s way.
IV. Set an intention. What intention do you want to create with your intimacy? Is it connection, trust, love? Or something else? Identifying values we are desiring to live in helps us to really stay present and create what we desire.
POSSIBLE ACTION STEP: Set 1-3 intentions before lovemaking. Pray for those intentions to be present with you. Even better, connect to your partner’s values as well and set those intentions too. This can result in a soul filling experience connecting all aspects of you.
V. Receive in gratitude. Remember this step. It’s super important. Part of receiving is letting go. We have done the work, now it’s time to simply let go and receive. Gratitude is regeneration. It completes the cycle and begins it anew. It also keeps us in a higher vibration of thought that continues with us long after the experience is over.
POSSIBLE ACTION STEP: Visualize yourself letting go, trusting, and receiving. Express gratitude daily for the reception of all good things into your life.
Thank you for allowing me to share a piece of my heart with you. I truly hope it blesses your life and your sexuality. Sending love and blessings.
P.S. This formula works for so many aspects of life.